I'm in a terrible environment right now

tw: murder - This newsletter means a lot to me, but please don’t feel obligated to keep reading if it doesn’t serve you.

I am in a miserable environment right now: my childhood home visiting my mom. I love seeing my mom, and I have had so many wonderful experiences in this house. However, its main identifier to me is no longer the good things but rather the place where my father was murdered.

My mom is back to living under the roof in which my father, uncle and dog were killed in cold blood. (You can read the eulogy here.) Every single day, she has to wake up and be surrounded by constant reminders of my dad — so many great moments — and the worst memory of her entire life.

I’m sick. I’m exhausted. I’m mad.

I know that it will get easier every time I come home. My relationship with my mom and the good memories of my dad will eventually outweigh the anger and fatigue I take on when I’m here.

However, that’s not really what this post is about. It’s about what to do when you’re in a bad environment like I am.

For so long, my naive and somewhat cold self had a simple solution: just leave. Unfortunately, that’s not possible for me right now, and I know it’s not possible for so many people, in all types of situations, who feel trapped, stuck or stifled.

I’m writing this on the first day of visiting, so maybe I’ll feel a bit better by the time I send this out. Maybe not.

More than anything, I’m fighting extreme tiredness right now, brought on by the weight of the situation. In addition to just resting, there are some other methods I’ll look to implement, which may also help you if you’re feeling stuck.

Talking to someone: Normally, I’m very closed off about my emotions. However, I have talked to my mom and my friends about how I’m feeling this week. I have felt a bit selfish feeling upset, but talking to them has given me some validation. I also plan to discuss these feelings with my therapist this week.

Operating with self-care and compassion: I don’t have to feel super strong in this environment. It’s OK for me to feel upset, agitated and tired. I have a really busy work week, but every task is taking me a long time. I am also preparing to run a marathon. I’m very sluggish and unmotivated this week despite having my training schedule all calculated out. That’s OK. It only makes sense that I’d feel the fatigue I do. If I miss a run or go slower, I’m not going to beat myself up.

Setting boundaries: I love my family, and I hope that the support my mom and I give each other in this house outweighs my negative emotions. But that doesn’t mean I’m not setting boundaries. I have a return ticket back to New York. I can’t avoid visiting my mom in her home, but I do know that I can’t currently handle it for long stretches.

A goal of mine right now is to reclaim my agency and continue to support my family. It will take time, but in this horrible life circumstance, I have learned to operate with much more compassion.

Before all of this, I had less empathy toward people who were mired down by situations from which they didn’t try to escape. During this, I’ve realized that not everyone has the luxury, current strength or ability to simply remove themselves from a tough state.

Right now, for better or worse, this is where I need to be. I’m just going to be a little kinder to myself while I’m here.

Miss you, Dad.