Redefining Strength During a Tough Stretch

If you know me in real life, you know that I am 5’3” on a good day, have a voice that barely carries to the other side of the room and feel awkward very, very easily. So, you might laugh if you hear that I spent the first few years of my career trying to appear tough. It seems cringe-worthy in hindsight, but I really tried to puff out my chest and stand tall for a variety of reasons.

I was often the only woman in the room, and I didn’t want to give off the perception of being weak. I was often the only person of color in the room, and I didn’t want to seem like I didn’t fit in. I was often the youngest person in the room, and I didn’t want to appear immature. I came from a working-class family, and I didn’t want to be clueless.

In order to combat all of these feelings — brought on by industry-wide shortcomings, self-induced pressures, unfair judgments and stereotypes — I, very early in my career, attempted to put up a façade of toughness and began to build a wall to guard my feelings and emotions.

I continued to reinforce this wall as I entered my managerial journey. In an attempt to appear strong, I thought that I had to be unbreakable and stoic.

For me, this mentality manifested itself beyond work and appeared while dating, in relationships and throughout friendships. Late into my 20s, I realized that this mindset was actually damaging, and over the last year-plus, I’ve worked to slowly break down these walls. This change in framework has not looked like blowing it up at the foundation; rather, it has been a brick-by-brick removal.

Thankfully, I have been tearing down enough that I can finally rise to my tip-toes — and I mean really, really stretch — and peek over the barriers.

And, wow, it’s much better from this perspective. On the other side of the walls I’ve constructed and the pedestals I’ve built is empathy. By leveling the playing field and bringing myself closer to others, I’ve been able to become a much stronger leader. This new style I’m working on was really tested last week as I had to deliver tough news regarding layoffs. During this trying period, I hope that my past and current employees leave with one key impression of me, and that is that I operated with kindness and empathy during a period of adversity. It’s a work in progress, but I owe them that and then some.

I still have to remind myself all of the time that being a strong leader does not mean being emotionless or unrealistically rigid. I don’t have all of the answers, but I vow to keep chipping away at the walls I’ve built.

I can’t wait until I can clear them.